Thursday, July 15, 2004
Today will not go down in my annals as being a good day :(
I mean, when you sleep to avoid thinking about stuff, thats not a good sign.
I slept to escape today.
I am angry at myself for being this much of a wreck.
I feel like going for a long drive. But i have to wake up in 5 hours to work.
One thing i feel like saying: We may live by God's will and accept it and all, but does that mean we have to enjoy every moment of it? Im not enjoying this, but i know that my Father is there. its just...hard at the moment
I would expand.. but yeh.
maybe i will. kinda numb at the moment.
you know that Girl 'E' i was talking about? well, it went a little further than that, a couple of goings out and so on, and a back history there. I think that the time it took me to post about it (on the 13th) made it look like i had just thougth about that then, but it goes back a few weeks.
over the last 2 days, in a series of emails we discussed the situation. turns out she had considered the possibility of a relationship with me for a long time. and made moves in that direction. i responded, and both my logical mind, and feelings said go for it. I was always praying about it. even asking God to remove the feelings if it was not his will(i read that in someones Blog.. but i forgot who...).
I got the latest email tonight, and yeh. well, its a negatory on the relationship thing.
I dont know why im so emotional about it, and i hate that i am.
I died a thousand deaths today, waiting for her reply. all day long i felt like i was going to spew, and now that its over im just numb, and i can feel myself getting sick. :P I DONT FALL THIS BADLY! WHY AM I DOING THIS?
Today sucked on one count. but there is always another day, and i know that God is there guiding me and wanting to hold me close. its just a bit hard to see the light now...
I will get over this, but right now im emotionally wasted. :(
I mean, when you sleep to avoid thinking about stuff, thats not a good sign.
I slept to escape today.
I am angry at myself for being this much of a wreck.
I feel like going for a long drive. But i have to wake up in 5 hours to work.
One thing i feel like saying: We may live by God's will and accept it and all, but does that mean we have to enjoy every moment of it? Im not enjoying this, but i know that my Father is there. its just...hard at the moment
I would expand.. but yeh.
maybe i will. kinda numb at the moment.
you know that Girl 'E' i was talking about? well, it went a little further than that, a couple of goings out and so on, and a back history there. I think that the time it took me to post about it (on the 13th) made it look like i had just thougth about that then, but it goes back a few weeks.
over the last 2 days, in a series of emails we discussed the situation. turns out she had considered the possibility of a relationship with me for a long time. and made moves in that direction. i responded, and both my logical mind, and feelings said go for it. I was always praying about it. even asking God to remove the feelings if it was not his will(i read that in someones Blog.. but i forgot who...).
I got the latest email tonight, and yeh. well, its a negatory on the relationship thing.
I dont know why im so emotional about it, and i hate that i am.
I died a thousand deaths today, waiting for her reply. all day long i felt like i was going to spew, and now that its over im just numb, and i can feel myself getting sick. :P I DONT FALL THIS BADLY! WHY AM I DOING THIS?
Today sucked on one count. but there is always another day, and i know that God is there guiding me and wanting to hold me close. its just a bit hard to see the light now...
I will get over this, but right now im emotionally wasted. :(
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