Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Funeral
Today was the Funeral. We started in Church at 9am. then when the service finished and the morning tea was over we went to Gympie, where the Reeves family plot was. Grandad was interred there next to Grandma. There were quite a few of his friends/neighbors and family there to see him off. I played 'Amazing Grace' at the Gravesite on the viola so the rest could sing.
Im quite braindead at the moment. Had smallgroup tonight, and before i could go in I just had to take a walk around the block several times. ended up walking for over an hour before i went in. Walking around in nice black suit and pants and shoes. must have looked odd.
Man the style of writing im using here is very poor. I apologise! really I do. But at the moment theres a lot on my mind. Its not just the funeral, or Grandad's passing, but i think it is a lot of issues that have been bought to a cusp by this. or enhanced in some way by this.
I am of two minds whether to post this stuff or not. I realise my Blog entries of late have been utterly horrible and depression inducing. If the ads were back theyd slaughter me! :P I really dont want to have to put anyone through reading this. Also I am worried, again about my image. I worry that what I say through here may change people's opinions of who i am, based on what ive done. this is unavoidable. but is it better to post here, or keep it inside. I dont want to have secrets. Secrets can eat you up. I also think though, that this is what I started my blog for. moments like these when I have to release somewhere. Because things are getting too confusing for me to process on my own. So I will do this.
I always try to be the happy person of my group. Of my Uni Friends Im the Joker of the crowd. Slightly different with church friends because of my past history with them, the person i was through high school (when i first knew them) is different to the person i am now. Ive changed my personality paradigm totally. (or attempted to) from Introvert to Extravert. I choose to be the happy one because i think people around me need this. Humour is one of the best forms of medicine. everyone knows this. So i try to exude it. Become the monkey. Be the one who always has a one liner or a comeback. the weirdo. the bizarre random. I do this to cheer others up.
Just recentley though, im not sure why. maybe it is the stress of Uni. Maybe it is Grandad. Maybe it is Smallgroup thing from a while back. Maybe its the lack of sleep due to overcommitment. Maybe its a combination of the lot. But just recentley i have been reverting back to introvert status. What i mean by this is my energy levels are low all the time, its a real effort to maintain the usual standard of craziness. I cant hold an accent for long now. :P Reacting to social situations becomes harder and harder. More and more i like spending time on my own, just not doing much at all. trying to rest i guess.
I can also feel my patience at an alltime low. The other night during Poker my Mate Clay was paying me out about something. Now usually my tolerance level for this is incredible. Like water off a ducks back literally. I can take anyone paying me out at all under nearly any circumstance, because I love them. I realise there is always more going on than meets the eye. there is always a reason behind the narcy ness, that requries attention, rather than just getting angry.
(on a side note i oftne think its scary how easily i can read into people's actions. maybe this is a gift i have, or the result of thousands of useless psych education info bites. But either way i can really understand a persons actions quite easily, and what may be motivating them. its scary.)
Last night...I wasnt tolerant and i started sniping back. Usually, even though i can have perfect responses to most pay outs, i dont. i hold back. because we have to love one another. Last night i didnt. so i was responding to insults in kind. That was terrible of me. i feel so ashamed.
Lord Forgive me.
There was also another thing that happened that im not quite ready to blog about yet.
On a completely different angle though, I took a first step towards bringing my Blog into the real world, and thus revealing myself. I gave Nicole from my Smallgroup a piece of paper with the address of this Blog on.
She is a very trusted friend. She is my mentor in a whole lot of things. Its scary, but i feel she is the best one to show this to first. Hey Nic! :)
I Promise that I will post on something much better than this stuff tomorrow! i DO have some good news in amongst all this! :)
SAM
Today was the Funeral. We started in Church at 9am. then when the service finished and the morning tea was over we went to Gympie, where the Reeves family plot was. Grandad was interred there next to Grandma. There were quite a few of his friends/neighbors and family there to see him off. I played 'Amazing Grace' at the Gravesite on the viola so the rest could sing.
Im quite braindead at the moment. Had smallgroup tonight, and before i could go in I just had to take a walk around the block several times. ended up walking for over an hour before i went in. Walking around in nice black suit and pants and shoes. must have looked odd.
Man the style of writing im using here is very poor. I apologise! really I do. But at the moment theres a lot on my mind. Its not just the funeral, or Grandad's passing, but i think it is a lot of issues that have been bought to a cusp by this. or enhanced in some way by this.
I am of two minds whether to post this stuff or not. I realise my Blog entries of late have been utterly horrible and depression inducing. If the ads were back theyd slaughter me! :P I really dont want to have to put anyone through reading this. Also I am worried, again about my image. I worry that what I say through here may change people's opinions of who i am, based on what ive done. this is unavoidable. but is it better to post here, or keep it inside. I dont want to have secrets. Secrets can eat you up. I also think though, that this is what I started my blog for. moments like these when I have to release somewhere. Because things are getting too confusing for me to process on my own. So I will do this.
I always try to be the happy person of my group. Of my Uni Friends Im the Joker of the crowd. Slightly different with church friends because of my past history with them, the person i was through high school (when i first knew them) is different to the person i am now. Ive changed my personality paradigm totally. (or attempted to) from Introvert to Extravert. I choose to be the happy one because i think people around me need this. Humour is one of the best forms of medicine. everyone knows this. So i try to exude it. Become the monkey. Be the one who always has a one liner or a comeback. the weirdo. the bizarre random. I do this to cheer others up.
Just recentley though, im not sure why. maybe it is the stress of Uni. Maybe it is Grandad. Maybe it is Smallgroup thing from a while back. Maybe its the lack of sleep due to overcommitment. Maybe its a combination of the lot. But just recentley i have been reverting back to introvert status. What i mean by this is my energy levels are low all the time, its a real effort to maintain the usual standard of craziness. I cant hold an accent for long now. :P Reacting to social situations becomes harder and harder. More and more i like spending time on my own, just not doing much at all. trying to rest i guess.
I can also feel my patience at an alltime low. The other night during Poker my Mate Clay was paying me out about something. Now usually my tolerance level for this is incredible. Like water off a ducks back literally. I can take anyone paying me out at all under nearly any circumstance, because I love them. I realise there is always more going on than meets the eye. there is always a reason behind the narcy ness, that requries attention, rather than just getting angry.
(on a side note i oftne think its scary how easily i can read into people's actions. maybe this is a gift i have, or the result of thousands of useless psych education info bites. But either way i can really understand a persons actions quite easily, and what may be motivating them. its scary.)
Last night...I wasnt tolerant and i started sniping back. Usually, even though i can have perfect responses to most pay outs, i dont. i hold back. because we have to love one another. Last night i didnt. so i was responding to insults in kind. That was terrible of me. i feel so ashamed.
Lord Forgive me.
There was also another thing that happened that im not quite ready to blog about yet.
On a completely different angle though, I took a first step towards bringing my Blog into the real world, and thus revealing myself. I gave Nicole from my Smallgroup a piece of paper with the address of this Blog on.
She is a very trusted friend. She is my mentor in a whole lot of things. Its scary, but i feel she is the best one to show this to first. Hey Nic! :)
I Promise that I will post on something much better than this stuff tomorrow! i DO have some good news in amongst all this! :)
SAM
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