Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Philotas Strikes Back
Hah! The fool Sam has actually gone to sleep! and that means, IM BACK! yes ladies and gents, but mostly the ladies, Philotas, the man the myth the legend is here to solve all your pathetic problems. Some ask me, 'Philotas, how do you do it?' I tell them 'Some were cursed to forever seek answers, and Others were cursed to know, and be incredibly gorgeous, rich and famous.'
So I now present to you 3 more letters I have recieved, which make days of our lives look like Jessica Simpson!
Philotas,
I desperately need your advice on how to avoid women. I think a particular girl likes me, but for various reasons it is blasted inconvenient. It doesn't help that I quite like her. How do I stay strong and single? What secrets do you have for making the ladies flee in terror?
Marlon Brando.
Marlon, I sympathise! Some would suggest not bathing, or excess crudity. Temporary solutions!
I say, go out with her. Things eventually sour. You'll wish you had free time and ability to do things your way and she'll begin to nag/pick fault. Then you can break up, desire for singleness reinforced!
Dear Pain Monkey
I have a growth that appears on my back whenever I go home. It responds to me
when I talk to it and we get along quite well. However I'm sure if the growth
wasn't on my back but was perhaps next to me we would get along better.
What is the least painful way to get rid of this growth? I'd like to do it in
a holistic way, also treating the cause rather than the symptom.
I am finding it hard to walk around and even moving at all is a challenge.
What do you reccommend?
anon person who is not michelle
People! Don’t realise how lucky they are! Haven’t you ever heard the saying ‘two heads are better than one?’ Find a way to permanently attach this growth (blowtorches on special at Kmart). Benefits far outweigh losing the ability to move or even the horrible mocking you will no doubt endure!
Now, this next letter seems to be from a fine lady indeed, it was coupled with some interesting attachments and a very…intimate poem! Which I wouldn’t dare publish for concern over the younger audiences that may be reading! but, when you are cursed by nature as I am, with boyish good looks and roguish charm, letters like these become a way of life! So Without further ado…
Dear Uncle Pain Monkey,
I love your new column on your weblog. How Manly. I can barely contain myself!
in fact, perhaps you could help with this problem. I think I am in love with my agony aunt. His name is Aunty Philotas.
The way he gives advice is so authoritative and strong; his typing skills send shivers down my spine, and his insightful, helpful replies hint at the sensitive caring man that is inside.
Oh Pain Monkey, cure me from this foul disease of love!
Lucky I have a few standard replies left!
Congratulations [insert name here] you have fallen for Philotas.
The magnificent Philotas received your letter and has placed your application in the queue. You are currently booked as the 15TH recipient of Philotas’ attention for the month October 2006.
Thanks for your expression of interest in Philotas, Master of Manliness.
Whew! someone stop me before the brilliance just bursts out of me in an uncontrollable flood of wit and intelligence! In any other medium i'd be charging for this!
Rememebr, to have your problems solved in 50 words or less, write me at alakazam200@hotmail.com the answers are only a click away!
PHILOTAS
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