Thursday, March 10, 2005
Philotas Talks Back Episode PTB0001
Alright already! My inbox is clogged. I mean, i know Im a popular guy, but honestly people! give a man (a very MANLY man at that) some breathing space!
Since ive recieved so many emails and cries for help, Im going to publish only a few this first episode. So sit back and laugh as we go through somoene else's problems.
Aunty,
I think i am going insane. Every night when i go to bed, i see strange lights
outside my window. Often, i will wake up during the night, or what i perceive
to be the night, and I am in another country. It is starting to cost a lot of
money in flights home.
Do you believe in Aliens, Aunty Philotassie?
PHILOTAS TALKS BACK
Philotassie? what the? Sounds like some kinda French pastry.
Your other questions? Yes you are insane. don’t worry about the lights, its probably just the government.
Aliens? of course I don’t believe in aliens, and when we finally take over your puny planet you will work in the Salt mines.
Next.
Hey Philotas!
I would love it if you could give me some advice on the following matter:
I think i am in love with my lecturer. His voice is at just the right pitch,
he has the most handsomest eyes, he wears nice ties, and he is interested in
things that I am interested in.
What should I do? I am considering declaring my undying love for him
-Anonymous
PHILOTAS TALKS BACK
Too easy. If classic literature has taught us nothing else (And it hasn't) It's that you should always declare your undying love. To everyone. Then arrange to die a violent yet tragic but above all pointless death.
I'm on a roll.
Philotas, I have a problem.
I have a friend who is flatting with her boyfriend. What are your opinions on
this matter? Should I tell them that i disapprove? Should I let my boyfriend
move in with me?
PHILOTAS TALKS BACK
Yes to all three.
But don’t just tell them. Let them know at 3am every morning, preferably with the aid of a bucket of water, ice or rabid orang-utans.
And with your boyfriend moving in, get him to do it for you. No sense losing sleep over an inconsiderate flatmate.
I like squirrels too much.
Please help!
With much love,
Squirrel *er* Michelle
PHILOTAS TALKS BACK
Squirrel *er* Michelle, It is a scientific fact that squirrel cravings directly promote increased levels of 'furry', and denote a deficiency in both the 'cute' and 'rodent' volume in of your blood. I recommend therapy. Preferably something with wires and electrodes.
And thats all for this week's column.
Once again, you can get all your problems solved by just emailing Me at alakazam200@hotmail.com Come on! you know you want to!
PHILOTAS
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